Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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