Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There's always time for handjobs
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
