i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
