god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
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Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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