Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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