I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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