I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
