She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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