i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
