Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
