There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
