At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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