And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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