We named our party play list daddy issues
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
