If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
