My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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