note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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