I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
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I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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