Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize