How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
