i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
