Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
