my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You are the jesus of drinking
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
