I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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