I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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