i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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