Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
