I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
