does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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