do herpes really smell.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
