Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
