No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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