I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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