I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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