Betty ford says i'm here all night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
