Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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