I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
