I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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