Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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