____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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