at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
