my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
