Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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