If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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