Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
