Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
