Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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