i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
