You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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