EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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