he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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