he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf