please come you make the beer taste better
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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