I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.