dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex