we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
